What do you think, blessing or curse?

Personally, I think it could go either way. I’m a strong believer in Karma, and in dealing with one’s Karmic responsibilities. Getting what you deserve. Think about that for a moment. Do you really want what you deserve? Deep inside your heart of hearts – have you been a very good person?

No. None of us have. We’re all fallible. We’ve said things in anger, or in spite, or in jealousy. We’ve done things for all the same reasons. I highly doubt anyone I know has never raised their voice in anger, during an argument which you knew you were wrong, but kept fighting anyway.

Karma builds up, and waits for the right moment to knock on the door and say, “Hey, how are ya? Thought I’d just stop by for a few days, camp on your couch, eat your food and shave over your kitchen sink.”

I cursed someone when I was 22 years old. I knew precisely what I was doing, and it was the first time I included my karma acceptance clause. I accepted the karma I knew would come. And it did, in precisely that form. Trust me, cleaning greasy hair clippings and whiskers from a sink is not only disgusting, it’s detrimental to one’s well-being.

But I laid the curse, and I accepted my karma. Over the years, I’ve put bindings on other people, and in only one other misguided instance have I laid a curse again (albeit unwittingly). Whether you believe in this stuff or not is inconsequential, because I do – and the target did. Whether she ever knew about it or not is another thing… This time though, I didn’t accept the karma. I was asked (and had I known I was being given a line of bullshit at the time I would never have accepted) to help “bind” someone – and during my participation, I held a mirror and spoke words to reflect as much of the karma as possible, to the person who had asked for it to begin with.

It turned out it was less a binding, more a devious, nasty, curse – and the target ended up with a terminal illness. The person who had come to me told me, laughing about it. I was sick physically for several days afterward as I tried to cleanse myself of that…ick.

It took another year or so before I cleansed myself entirely. I still carry that with me, though, and I will never let it go. Misinformation, misguided or not – I participated. No amount of healing rituals, self-flagellation (not in the physical sense..I uh..lost my flog) or tears can ever make that right. Ever.

That was the last.

Moving ahead several years, I’ve done a lot of stuff I can be proud of. A lot. I’ve helped people in any way I can, I’ve supported causes that didn’t deserve it simply because of friendships now best left behind. I’ve watched friends and foes progress past me, waving as they go on and I stay here. I’m good with that. I honestly like where I am (granted a book sale or two wouldn’t hurt, but I’d have to actually FINISH, right? LOL). This is where I am meant to be, I think.

Unfortunately, I seem to have tattooed a name across my forehead that I really don’t want there. It says ‘Sucker.’ Recently, I’ve had two clients not pay for work done. One was even surprised that I “broke our agreement” and billed him for actual hours – even though he’d been warned to pay up or be billed. *deep breath*

Be that as it may, I’ve also noticed that a lot of the folks I’ve done reciprocal work for have also ducked out. I can’t put them on the deadbeat list because it was reciprocal, there was never meant to be monetary payment, and I wasn’t approached, I volunteered when the broader question was asked. I know times are tough, and everyone’s busy doing what they need to. I understand that. But why expect me to be free, and I’d have to pay for their services? Yes, twice now I’ve been asked for payment for what was to be reciprocal.

It’s like my mother and her babysitting agreement with me. I had to pay her to keep her granddaughters, but I could take my little brothers every weekend for years.

Sucker.

Well, thankfully tattoos are removable. It is a sad, but necessary move forward. And to my clients that pay me, believe in me, and trust me – I am back at my desk today, and am hoping to have all outstanding projects back to you within the next week or so.

And for you others… may you get exactly what you deserve.