I’ve been popping by the occasional blog and since Daven is doing FebNo too, I thought I’d slip past his pages and take a look. Particularly since he posted his blog entry from today, at the FebNo forums. Ya’ll gotta read this. If I haven’t said it lately, or at least publicaly, Daven is like, a god or something. I totally agree with the rape comments, having dealt with the fallout with my kid. And hey, I do consider what happened to her, to be rape.

On another note, I have to admit that I felt a little let down after the divorce party. Not unhappy, not that huge “shouldn’t there be more to this?” let down.

I realized there was one person missing from that celebration, the one person that I should have been sharing this with. The one person that made me find myself again. Over two years have gone by since I said goodbye (and at the time, I meant goodbye, not see ya later). On the 19th, I dreamt he came home. When I woke up last Friday morning, I could feel him everywhere in the house, all around me – a huge, heavy weight on my chest where he’d put his hand, telling me he’d always be there. He should have been here. Not there – not in my heart, not in my memories. Here.

I’m pissed off that he wasn’t, and yet, I wouldn’t pick up the phone at any point in the last two years to call him, at least not directly. When I said goodbye, I said goodbye. I told him then to have a good life – it was the most affable, beneficial and spirit-rending goodbye I’ve ever been a part of. It’s been…well, too long since he and I spoke, and one of the last things he’d asked was how soon the divorce would go through. Little did I know it would be so long!

It’s done now, and my freedom only cost me a lot of my empathy, a lot of my emotions and a lot of the very spirituality I have spent my life seeking. Still I seek, and I know that won’t be over until that tiny piece of me is returned home.

Can I only say I didn’t know? Hindsight is 20-20, even for the partially blind? No. I have to admit it. I didn’t understand what She had in mind when She brought him to me. I went against Her wishes and ended up lost in a sea of unfinished business. I know now, and yeah – he was right, She was right. I’m kicking myself. I was wrong. Love isn’t just a word.

But maybe we could pretend it is, just for a little while longer?