When it rains, it pours… and occasionally snows. The weather continues to drive me a wee bit doolally; it is, as my sister in law pointed out this past Saturday, as though Mother Nature is in the throes of PMS.

I concur.

It’s rained every day since May 1st. Even the sunny days, there was rain either in the morning or the evening. Or even while the son shone. It’s peculiar weather, even for Manitoba. I’d like to take credit for it, as I used to when it stormed, back in the days when the weather seemed to reflect my moods. I’ve been in a relatively good mood though, since the month started. Yes, there’s still the stress of missed deadlines and family issues. Yes, I’m still on a missed deadline for my own writing… but slowly and surely these things are moving forward.

Rhia moved out last weekend. Carrie will be working long hours the next few weeks. We’re finally having our group Beltaine on Saturday, and we just had a fabulous family Beltaine this past Saturday.

Things are good.

Right?

Yeah. Except… it rained. Metaphorically and actually.

I had a doctor’s appointment last week. I’d made it so we could talk about my back issues. She’s going to look at the old xrays and likely send me for new ones, and I’ll be having blood work done again. What worries me – and her, obviously – is my blood pressure. It’s well high, 40/15 above the last time respectively. Which makes me wonder, 2009-2011 my blood pressure was fine. Just a bit over normal, and normal for someone of my weight.

What changed?

I got back on the godsdamn rollercoaster. I stopped losing and in fact gained back 35 pounds. Having to spend all my time worrying if anything I was saying or doing was going to offend a single person and end up with massive destructive consequences had me second guessing everything. I began having panic attacks, anxiety, anger issues and avoidance issues. The asthma that I’d beaten years ago came back, and I’m to this day struggling to keep myself away from the puffers as much as possible.

Sure, I transferred to a smaller ‘coaster in the fall, but there’s still plenty of up and down. Still anxiety and panic, but they’re on notice they’ve got one month to find new accommodation, because they’ve overstayed their never-so-welcome.

Moving forward… a bit of stress, yes. But things have to change. And change they will. I let family and other shit rule my life far longer than I should have and I’m not having it any more.

Right? Why does this sound so f’ing familiar… *le sigh*

Courage, dear heart… you’ve got to take me to see my first grandkid sometime in the distant future.

’til next week!
<3 JL