This past weekend, I went from behaving well, to behaving very badly in a matter of moments. Not a mood swing, but an adverse reaction of sorts.

It’s been three months since my mother passed away, and our extended family just had the first of what will be many gatherings – a bridal shower. As everyone in the family knows, my mother was all over these things. From finding ways to have ‘the’ best gift for the bride, to insisting on inserting herself in the planning, to fussing over the food and drink provided, she was there.

She wasn’t there on Sunday. Not even in spirit. When a cousin presented the bride with a brilliant, show-stopping gift that is absolutely the best thing I’ve ever seen (way to go Kim!) I had a little laugh to myself knowing Mom would have been outrageously jealous. Another cousin seemed to note the smirk, and winked. She knew exactly what I was thinking.

At the end, I’m afraid I was rude to my great-aunt by leaving without saying goodbye, but after two hours of holding it together between more condolences and how are you doings, if she had said anything I would have fallen apart. As it was, halfway to my brother’s house, I did. Worse, I snapped at my sisters-in-law (one in absentia) for something so stupidly trivial it’s ridiculous. More so than usual, and I feel bad. That I was having an issue is no excuse for actually voicing it, and I have to remember that there are 20+ years between myself and them. Things are different for that generation.

Time, I suppose. It’s going to take time.

I don’t expect forgiveness for my weird responses to questions or comments at the shower or my outburst at my brother’s. Some are too young to understand, some will understand sooner rather than later, and some never will understand.

The nature of grief, right? Unpredictable.

’til next week…
<3 JL